72. Good Luck

I went on two runs today. The first one was in the morning before work to compensate for pizza and beer last night, and the other was to curb anxiety.

Cat's out of the bag guys-a lot of the reason I run is to help with that anxiety. I've had a lot of it since moving here, more than I'd care to admit actually. Today was a great day and still I came home feeling anxious and cranky.

So I ran.

In yoga, the instructor dedicates each practice to a purpose. Sometimes it's letting go, other times it's internal cleanliness, etc. When I run, I try to associate it with a purpose. Typically it's something like rhythmic breathing, sustainability, or to trim minutes off my time. Tonight's run's purpose was peace of mind. I made no other goals than that. Didn't matter if I ran a mile or five, by the end of it I wanted to feel some level of peaceful.

About half way through I cross paths with a man wearing a suit and tie, who steps off to the edge of the sidewalk to let me pass. As I go by him, he smiles and says, "Good luck!" I smile back and thank him, but as I clear him by a few yards, I hear my ego scream,

"Bitch please! This is my second run today! I don't need luck!"

I thought nothing of it for another half mile until I started to beat myself up over the fact that I opted to head back instead of heading east another mile. I was instantly reminded that the reason I was running was to get rid of that voice. I thought back to the guy in the suit and realized that yeah, maybe I didn't need luck in the physical department today, but I sure as hell did in regards to my purpose.

I sprinted as much of the rest of the way home as I possibly could, as if I were forcing that negativity out of me. Each time a heel hit the pavement it was like I was back-kicking the ground.

My thoughts varied between, "Wow, it's really pretty out tonight!" and "I'll show you- mean internal voice- how much of a wonderful, smart, beautiful, funny, and loving badass I can be!"

When I got home, the anxiety was still there, but instead of it being like a face to face argument with a friend, it was more like the white noise of a loud, static, city in the background. I cracked open a beer, thinking of the guy on my run.

I think I'm going to need a little more luck after all.