"But what if I do someday?" If-the one word that keeps us tethered to a false sense of anything.
"I don't love you, what what if I do some day? Then you will be gone and I will be left with a ton of regret."
We fear the unknown so much that we lose the moment. In this moment, I do not feel X, Y and Z. I cannot treat this as though I could in the future. I could do a lot of things in the future.
We could sit on the maybe until the idea is over cooked and in the end, no one wins.
So it's best to just be honest.
I don't love him. I know I don't and I know I can't or could. I wish I did. I wish there wasn't such a firm line that I could justify any drunk midnight moves trying to figure it out. I wish life gave you the luxury of having unparalleled attraction to the person that texts you every morning just for the hell of it, or remembers stupid things that you forgot you said yourself in conversations. Sometimes it does, but maybe not when you need it, and certainly not in the dead of a Midwest winter. Least not with me.
So for his sake and mine, my indecisions and addiction to ifs, I draw the line. I know better now, having learned from years of similar mistakes.
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